Thursday, June 16, 2016
I'd like to thank everyone for coming to celebrate Jarett's life. He would be so happy to see how loved he is. I'd especially like to thank all of Jarretts wonderful friends who have helped care for him over the past five months. He has known most of his friends for over 20 years and they're an amazing group of people. They have been there for each other through thick and thin and it is A beautiful thing to witness and be welcomed into. I'd especially like to thank Ramsey and Andrea, Who took him into their home to care for him and endured countless phone calls from me. And my mom who also cared for him in her home. I'd like to thank Jarett's family for showing up for him in his time of need, despite all turmoil of his past. I'd also like to thank the staff of Providence Holy Cross Hospital, who gave him loving and compassionate care through all his ups and downs. Especially his case manager, Betsy Jansen. Jarett let her in in a way I have never seen before, and she counseled him and loved him unconditionally. She became my confidant and advocate so I could advocate for him. And Eileen Escobar, his discharge planner who visited him in the nursing home and the er every time we were there, brought him donuts and took care of Jarett like he was family. I couldn't have done this without you guys. It has been my greatest honor privilege to care for Jarett at the end of his life, because it is in giving that we receive and I have received so much from this experience.
I have had the privilege of loving and being loved by Jarett for the past five years. He is the funniest person I know. He was Always making up is own words, silly songs and dances. I remember when I was embarrassed to tell my friends that he called me his butter cupper a buncher. But I couldn't hide it for long because he would leave me messages singing all about bunches. It became our special thing. He helped me come out of my shell and share my own silliness with him. He made me feel beautiful, he never put me down or criticized me, he truly accepted me for who I am. He was so passionate about the things he loved. Creating and building things, wood and woodworking, tools, knives, hip hop music and culture. He loved to teach people and share his passions with anyone willing to listen. He always wanted to learn more. He learned trade after trade in construction until he found his true passion in finish carpentry. He was so proud of his work.
On our first date after I dropped Jarett off at home and drove away, my phone rang and his name lit up the screen. A mixture of anxiety and excitement took over and I answered, hoping he wouldn't be calling to say he didn't want to see me again. He said, 'hey do you want to go get coffee or something? I'm not done hanging out with you yet.' I turned around and picked him up and we went to a coffee shop and talked until they were sweeping around our feet and counting the registers. The connection between us was so magnetic, I just knew he was my partner.
A few weeks into dating, Jarett asked me to go on a hike with him. I wanted to impress him, but being the total non-athlete that I am I had never actually been hiking before. I was up late on the phone with my best friend the night before asking her, what is hiking?? Will I be able to do it? She assured me repeatedly that it was just walking Outside and up hills and in dirt. Of course with Jarett it was much more than walking. He had me pushing myself to the limit, climbing up rocks and off of the path. But he was strong and sturdy and grabbed my hand to pull me up and help me. He led me around a huge fence into a forbidden area, where he said the views were the most beautiful, and I followed him without thinking twice. And boy was he right. It was magical being there with him. On our way back to the car, he told me that he likes to take all his dates there. At first I was hurt, but then he explained that it was a test. Was I willing to get dirty, did I trust him, and was I willing to break the rules? And he said I had passed all three. I felt so proud.
Of course the most important test was if I was willing to break the rules. Jarett loved to break the rules. He was an I'm doing it my way and I'm going to get what I deserve kind of man. I have always been such a rule follower. Scared to make one wrong move lest I be judged by others. This was the root of many conflicts between us. It's only after Jarett's passing that I realized how oppressive my rules for myself have been. They have created fear that has held me back from reaching my full potential. And I plan on taking a page from Jarett's handbook and not letting the rules hold me back anymore.
Unfortunately Jarett's lifestyle caught up with him. He lived his life as if he was invincible. But he wasn't. Nobody expects to be diagnosed with lung cancer at 36. Everybody thinks they have more time and that we can afford to put our dreams on hold to chase a temporary feeling of escape from reality. Jarett's death has caused me to think of my own mortality. A week before he died, on his birthday, Jarett shared with me some of his deepest regrets. He felt that he had wasted much of his life trying to numb himself with substances. He wished he had gotten married and started a family of his own. While he was sick, I leaned on music to get me through. Often on my drives home from the hospital I would listen to a song called Ride. The lyrics made me think of Jarett.
I'd die for you
That's easy to say
We all have a list of people that we would take
A bullet for them
A bullet for you
A bullet for everybody in this room
But I don't seem to see many bullets coming through
Metaphorically I'm the man
But literally I don't know what I'd do
I'd live for you
And that's hard to do
Even harder to say
When you know it's not true
I used to think it was a romantic notion to say I would die for you. I used to think that life was not worth living without my partner. But now I know it is so much more romantic and loving to say I will live for you. This is my promise to you Jarett. I will live for you. You told me no regrets, and I heard you, so clearly. I will get married, start a family, pursue my dream job, and not let fear control me. I will protect my body and health by staying sober and always remembering that that is the most important thing. I will feel my feelings, everyone of them. I will not try to escape what's real. I will walk a spiritual path. I will wear your ring around my neck as physical reminder that you want me to live a life of no regrets. Your death will not be in vain, I promise you.
Jarett suffered so much is this life. Some days he was just fighting to survive. But in the end, he was so peaceful. He had nothing left to do but let go and surrender to the love that was always around him. He finally stopped resisting and allowed my love, his friends love, his family's love and Gods love to wrap around him and enter him fully. As I held his hand while he took his lasts breaths, I knew he was at peace for the first time in many years. We are all born into our mothers arms, and I know his mother was there to embrace him on the other side. He is only love and light now, and he wants us to know that love is all that matters. His body may be gone, but his spirit will live in each of our hearts forever. Please join me in doing our best to live a life of no regrets to honor Jarett's legacy.
You are not alone, my buncher. You are right at home.
